As you may have noticed, I haven't been on social media lately. I ran four half marathons in 22 days in May followed by a 10 miler and I'm just tired. However, it's not a physical tired-just life tired!
I'm 52 years old and just tired. Here's why:
- No friends (far and few between) and little family
- Attended college in my forties which everyone said would change my life for the better in many ways (financially, academically, etc) and it didn't.
- No home of my own (I currently rent a room in a house)
- No money (While I have a good job, I basically make just above poverty level after taxes, benefits and retirement)
- No vacations (I haven't been on a vacation in a long time).
- Constantly being left out (I see on social media all the friendships, gatherings and I never know until I see it)
- No birthdays (I think I remember five birthday celebrations my entire life) or holiday celebrations either
- Slowest running
- Weighing the most I have ever weighed my adult life
I'm not trying to make you feel sorry for me but I'm just tired. I need to reassess my goals and move on. I'm tired of being alone and social media doesn't help. Do you ever feel that it makes you and us more lonely? It's hard to see pictures of family and friends and know that you don't have that. It's even harder to see all the races, runs, vacations, buying things (Sparkle Skirts, shirts, shoes, etc) and know that you can't afford any of it! That's why I feel the need to step back. Last summer, I struggled with staying alive and beating cancer! While that was tough and I'm a survivor, I feel that I need to take a step back and feel alive again in a different way. I'm used to being alone and figuring life out as that is how my life has been but I'm struggling with the reality that I don't matter in this world and my own mortality. I have to realize that I will always be alone and do it for me. I need to work on my own goals of losing weight, feeling good about the direction of my life and figure out how to make a home for myself once again.
So, if you don't see me, it's not that I don't care. It's about realigning myself with me and taking care of myself. Thanks as always for hanging in there with me!
Till next time and remember, my journey continues...If you can dream it, you can do it as Walt Disney said!