Enough

This is enough.   I have enough stuff.  Enough said. Are you enough?  Enough!  You may be wondering why I chose this word.  I've been in a running slump since June.  It has been a tough summer with job searching, family situations, financial burdens, healthcare, etc.  I have had enough!  What exactly is enough?

Merriam-Webster dictionary defines enough as occurring in such quantity, quality, or scope as to fully meet demands, needs, or expectations.

Now, I have had a tough life and won't go into details.  At 53, enough means enough.  I have been thinking about this for the last week and half.  The reasons are multiple-the state of our country, my life and expectations and most recently an interview that I did for Experience Life magazine.  This interview which spotlights me and my fitness journey will be in the magazine next March.

As I was chronicling my journey with the writer, she asked me what I would tell someone who has been struggling with life.  Her reasoning was that my story would resonate with almost anyone.  A woman, a mom, someone who suffered from depression, a divorcee, someone with ADD, a student, a cancer survivor, someone with thyroid disease and finally a runner.  What were my words of wisdom?  What could I pass on to someone, anyone who is struggling?  All I could think of was ENOUGH.  I had written this on a piece on paper when I started running.  Why?

Maybe because I didn't feel I was enough.  I had been told for years that I was nothing.  I didn't feel as though I had accomplished anything in my life.  I had never been involved in sports and running was new to me.  I was overweight, depressed and in a bad marriage.  I was in school struggling with raising teenagers, working three part-time jobs and trying to hold my life together. I also have always struggled with my self-esteem.  Was I enough?  Had I had enough?

I still don't know.  I know that I will always struggle financially, physically and emotionally.  I know that I probably will not be the person that I would like to be.  I honestly don't know except that I won't give up. I realize now that I am a uniquely, flawed but beautiful human being.

Now, as I enter my fifth year as a blogger and runner, have I had enough?  The answer is NO!  I may not always be on target with my goals but I will never give up.  I set some pretty high goals at times and as I get older, I realize that maybe this is a mistake.  I'm not saying to set high goals but maybe not quite as many as I do.  Inevitably, I don't achieve many of these goals as I get easily overwhelmed due to my ADD and then get depressed when I don't achieve them.  I once had a college professor tell me that I was an overachiever (not that I think I am) but maybe he had a point.  My first year in running was glorious with races, meeting new friends and achieving goals.  From then on, it has been a tremendous journey and changed my life but I have been hard on myself.  I have let myself down, get down and continued to struggle.  I will never be a fast runner, have let myself get into slumps especially this year and probably never get back to where I was in June when I was training with an Army Ranger but it is ok.  Right now in the moment, I am going to do what I can, with what I have and what I know, from where I am and that's enough.

Now, what happened to that piece of paper with ENOUGH on it. I still have it and have added on to it.  I carry it with me during races sometimes and have it with my medals.

And what words of advice, would I give someone?   I would give them this.  "Sometimes, when you feel like you are nothing, look inside your heart and read what your soul wrote inside:  "I AM ENOUGH".

Till next time and remember, my journey continues...If you can dream it, you can do it as Walt Disney said!