Tired

This is a hard post for me.   I've been off social media with my blog for several months and my other social media for about a month now.  I've been struggling in many ways.  I'm not looking for sympathy but just trying to process life.

I had been running with an Army Ranger friend for about a month, possibly six weeks.   I had run races in the past with him and his unit (three years ago and had my best 5K ever; just shy of 30 minutes).  I reached out to him to help me with my training because I realized that running with the military seems to work for me.  I ran with the Marines the last three miles during the Avocado Half Marathon two years ago and had my best half time then.  So, between wanting to lose weight and get healthier again, I decided to try this route.  And it worked, I did get better with my time and pace.  However, I let mean girls get in my head and fill me with negative thoughts about myself and my ability.  My bad; my fault.  So I basically quit running and trying to lose weight.

Yes, I know that I shouldn't do that however I've always just wanted to fit in and be loved.  Part of my struggle is that I had and still have a lot of self doubt; always.  I moved to North Carolina after being convinced by family (I had stayed away from family for quite a few years-long story- just basically self destructive abusive people to me) with the hope of starting anew.  After my divorce and struggling financially while not being able to afford housing, this seemed like a good move.  I gave up a job that I loved after going to school in my forties (get a college degree, it will change your life) while working three part-time jobs and raising my sons to move so I could afford a roof over my head. I trusted that family would help only to be let down once again.  Now, I understand why I don't have relationships with my family.

I've been struggling since I can't get a job in my library field because everyone wants a Master's Degree in Library Science and the field that I worked in prior to my degree now considers me overqualified for work. My age and limited work experience don't help.  So, it is hard for me to stay motivated.  No job besides doing temp work which barely covers my expenses, no health insurance so my ADD and thyroid medications aren't available (NC health insurance won't cover me since I am working and can't afford anything else) and just tired.

 I know that I am a strong woman who has overcome so much in my life.  I'm just tired.  I'm tired of being a nice person who never gets ahead in this life no matter how hard I try.  I'm tired of seeing people take advantage of others, lie and cheat and use the system while getting ahead.  I'm tired; just too tired.

So, I'm going to be off social media for a while because I just don't have the energy to continue at this point.  I do apologize because I know that you look to me for inspiration but I don't have it in me to give at this point.  Between those negative mean girls in my head, the job and life struggles, I have no energy to give back into this universe at this time.